1. I have never, ever eaten at Taco Bell.
2. I once played Bach's Inventio 11 while single handedly chalking a pool cue.
3. I often frolic.
4. I once led a large troupe of amazonian refugee children safely through a hoard of poisonous frogs.
5. I aspire to be the first person to read the entire published works of Hilaire Belloc while unicycling through the canadian rockies.
6. I have a patent pending for a more energy efficient grandfather clock.
7. I am an abstract jazz pianist and an expert asbestos inspector.
8. I can hurl jello at non-moving objects with uncanny precision.
9. I have three times escaped the clutches of evil pastafarians.
10. On Tuesday evenings, after work, I repair large hadron colliders.
11. Buddhist monks resent me.
12. I once escaped from the creation museum using only a food processer and six pages from 'Origin of the Species'.
13. I frequently beat Tiger Woods golf score, and in far fewer holes.
14. I have been known to inspire widespread gloom.
15. I prefer solving Soduko puzzles using roman numerals.
16. I have performed covert operations for the United States Chess Federation.
17. When bored, I dabble in quantum chromodynamics.
18. I am the subject of numerous autobiographies.
19. When I do eat, I eat in a hammock.
20. I can do seven minute abs in under four minutes.
21. I have 27 facebook accounts, but only 23 friends.
22. Fashion critics swoon over my latest line of academic regalia evening wear.
23. I do macrame, I drivel, I have poor circulation in my feet.
24. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
25. I resent the implication, Mr. Attorney General.